7 Badly Needed Adwords FeaturesDan 10.18.2012
Google Adwords is our bread and butter. Although the interface is robust and intuitive, certain missing features are badly needed. Here are a few…
1. Keywords Duel: there will be a clickable option to arrange an actual duel to the death between advertisers for #1 rank position in respect to competitive keywords. You click and input the following parameters to challenge an opponent:
-Location: must fit with your industry. For example, if you’re competing for #1 rank over the keyword “discount atlantic salmon”, you must duel on a pier or on a rusty freighter. If you’re competing for domination over “business consultancy”, you must battle in a nondescript office, in a nondescript building, in a nondescript city.
-Time of day: high noon or dawn
-Weapons: revolvers at high noon, or knives at dawn. Staplers permitted between 12 and 2 pm on Thursdays.
-Attire: tuxedos or nude
2. Algorithm Adjustment: here, I demand that Google lighten up her steel choking collar of tyranny, and allow us a small breath of free air. Google will give all advertisers simultaneous control over their repressive pan-optical Adwords algorithm, which binds us to the whim of an unfeeling machine. Every advertiser will have equal access to the algorithm, and they can input whatever they want into the byzantine code, be it numbers, symbols, poetry, or love letters.
3. Click to Order a Pizza: this feature will be accessed via a tiny button next to every other button in Adwords.
4. Pi Mode: commences after an advertiser has been staring at Adwords metrics for five hours or more. The interface will begin to position numbers and subtle messages in such a way as to convince the advertiser that they have stumbled on an omniscient formula, determining all possible natural and unnatural occurrences in the universe. The advertiser will realize that they are now a deity, and that an Adwords “conversion” is actually a new human devotee to their divine rule. Also, Nine Inch Nails comes on.
5. Remarketing (squared): this feature will enable advertisers to physically stalk their remarketing targets via remote control of the Google Streetview car. Advertisers will be able to tastefully reach out to prospects via bull horn, whistles, gas-powered t-shirt guns, and other classy marketing methods. Due to privacy and decency concerns, advertisers may not turn bull horns past a volume of 8.
6. Billing Roulette: basically The Deer Hunter meets SEM- you spin the carousel and enjoy 5 in 6 odds of erasing your total account balance owed to Google… or you’re unlucky and Google blows your brains out by removing your site permanently from all search results.
7. Conversion Tracking for YouTube Video Campaigns: f’real, it’d be nice.